007: My Inside-Out Beauty

A poem about being forced to examine one's own body image. 

My Inside-Out Beauty

What role of disgust must I fulfill
In order to fill the hole that I feel
In order to feel whole and feel real
An order of happiness found in a pill

Is it "Fuck! Shit! Mother of God!"
"I am made ugly! Parade the facade!"
Is it bubbling, boiling, oozing with fat?
"Acne on my face! Moles on my back!"

What will be demanded of me
To proclaim imperfection and help me to see
That I once was blind to the ugly in me
Some exercise in catharsis to purge this beauty

An exercise in fingers and bile and throats
An exercise to see what misery company loves most
An exercise in “Ready? One two three lift!”
An exorcism of esteem, an osmosis of shit

Hairy nipples, hairy ass, hairy balls, hairy legs
Hair he dreads, hair he snips, hair he clips, but his head
Butt his head ram his head in disgust to the wall
Butt his head ram in it, to makeup what’s too small

To makeup for what was once clear,
Too makeup to makeup for labels and queers
Let’s makeup and take-up our worries and fears
And fill in the gaps with made-up real tears

I made up and stayed up and ate up and prayed up
Potato, Alfredo, I made my own weight up
In the end I could send a whole list of self-loathing
Perfected projections of imperfections disclosing

"I hereby decree," I decided to sing
Fuck it, my voice is another terrible thing

Forced into dwelling and showing and telling
Verbally sprinting while emotions keep swelling
Why pry open lids to the rotten in me?
Blood skin and bones is all I can be

Live by truth, live through fear, live with hope, live in time
Live bisexual, live contextual, live it all, live it live
From head to toe, thrive in your skin
From ugliness to beauty, live beginning to end.

From the beginning no focus, out of focus, can’t focus
The negative tricks and the body image broke us
The negative tricks and the hocus and pocus
The folks were confused, their feelings made bogus

In the end, live by truth, live sincere, live in time
Live bisexual, live contextual, live it all, live it live
From head to toe, thrive in your skin
My inside-out beauty, live beginning to end

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