What the Guy Rejected by 100 Women He Asked to Sleep With Should Have Said
If you didn't catch my post over the weekend, the Youtube prank group Whatever released a video which featured an attractive man (the channel's creator, Brian) approaching 100 random women in public and soliciting them for sex. Of the 100 women asked, zero agreed to have sex. Conversely, when an attractive female (Whatever regular Andrea) approached men, 50% of them agreed to go home with her immediately for sex.
Seems to confirm the old adage "Ask 100 women to sleep with you for a Youtube prank, zero will say yes. Also, men like putting their dicks in things."
It's worth noting that for the last 6 months Whatever has been putting out videos that focus on embarrassing people in public settings, particularly when it comes to matters of a sexual nature. Whatever classifies the videos as "social experiments" but really they're little more than prank-bait premises carefully edited for the viewer's entertainment (think a bro version of "Jaywalking").
The problem is that the video sells the concept that women don't enjoy casual sex and that men will fuck about just anything. No doubt there are certainly discrepancies in the sexual proclivities of men and women, and there's both social and evolutionary data that would suggest why that's the case. But Brian's approach to women, as well as the results Whatever elected not to show in Andrea's experiment (her first video showed 7 out of 14 men agreeing to have sex; they produced a second video which shows that only 2 out of 17 men asked agreed to sleep with her), definitely misrepresent how this "experiment" would actually play out if done with some consideration.
First off, when Brian approaches these women, it seems painfully obvious that this is being done as some sort of dare or, as is the case, for a Youtube prank. He gives absolutely no intro, as if he couldn't get the question out fast enough. The fact of the matter is that both men and women like sex, but women would like to have a say in the matter, and as biology goes, men can generally overpower women physically. So even though Brian is merely asking for the women's opinion and consent, to do without any prefacing doesn't provide the women any time to consider the proposition without consequence. The safe and knee-jerk reaction is to immediately say no.
Secondly, our society is full of slut-shaming. Many of the women he approaches have boyfriends, are with groups of friends, or in some cases their mother. Even if the women did want to have sex, the chances that they'd be willing to openly admit that drastically decrease when they feel they're being judged by their peers.
Sure, Brian's being forthright and it doesn't "work out", but the takeaway from that shouldn't be that direct communication is something to be avoided in favor of artifice. All sorts of books, seminars, webcourses, etc. exist to "teach men how to get women", but the reality is it isn't that hard. Women are going to know immediately if there's a physical attraction. After that, there are two other key pieces information they're going to want to gather 1) are you going to make an unwanted sexual advance on them 2) are they attracted to your personality. Once a woman knows that you're willing to work with her to set a mutual pace, by all means, set that pace. If it's too fast - you need to be aware of that and honor it. But that doesn't mean dancing around issues and saying or doing things you wouldn't otherwise as a guise for sleeping with her.
If I were to repeat Brian's experiment, I'd take an entirely different approach and I guarantee I'd get entirely different results:
1) Walk up to the women and say "Hi, can I talk to you for like 30 seconds?" I'm already putting a consensual offer on the table (Do you want to talk to me?) as well as constrictions on that conversation (30 seconds). My guess it that about 80% of these women would agree to that.
2) State why I wanted to have sex (i.e. compliment her). "I think you're absolutely gorgeous, and I would be an idiot if I didn't tell you that." She'd probably be pretty flattered and respond with a "thank you".
3) Get to know her in a sentence. I'm using an extreme here, but it's important that she feels comfortable with me, and one sentence can do that. Remember, she already knows if she finds me physically attractive, but the next concern is whether I'm a creepster who's going to sexually assault her. So I should probably demonstrate that's not the case by getting to know each other. "Have you had the sandwiches here? They're amazing." That's great: I've made a recommendation, I'm asking for her opinion, and I'm also establishing that I'm someone who comes to this grocery store a lot. Maybe I even live in the neighborhood. It doesn't matter if I was in a bar, or on the street. Point is, she knows a whole lot more about me after that one sentence.
4) Defuse the situation by recognizing it. "This is completely random, but" or "I understand this isn't your standard way to approach women"
5) Go for it, discreetly. Make sure she has the option to say "yes" as equally as "no" without fear of judgement from others. No woman wants to feel slut-shamed. Maybe that means slightly leaning in. Maybe that means lowering your voice. But it should be no less sincere, recognizing that it's a bit odd but that you really mean it. "I understand this isn't your standard way to approach women, but I would love it if you came back to my place right now."
Now granted - this approach isn't as "fast" as what Brian did, but I guarantee you that there's no way 100 of those women he asked reject him had that been what he said.
If all this forthrightness is too much for you, you can always use the tried and true douche approach: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgsHV9FEJdU
The last issue I have with the Whatever videos is that they seem to be slut-shaming many of their victims, if even unwittingly. They're tricking people into thinking there's a proposition on the table, and then publicly embarrassing them should they accept that offer. The idea that someone would know in the first five seconds if they'd like to sleep with someone seems shameful to Whatever.
"Isn't it HILARIOUS that we asked you to have sex and then told you this was all a "social experiment" making fun of your shameful, shameful answer?? LOLZ OMG ROFL!! [RUNS AROUND SLAPPING DICK ON STRANGERS' FOREHEADS]
By contrast, in one Whatever video they show women's studies majors at UCSB agreeing to sign a petition to end women's suffrage (a direct ripoff of an old Man Show segment). The difference between the two videos is that the latter premise is highlighting ignorance on the part of the victims, not making fun of them for accepting a false sexual premise.
So while I agree that men and women should be more direct in their approach when it comes to sex, I don't think Whatever accurately demonstrates what that approach should look like or how it may actually play out.