Man Arrested After Being Caught Having Sex With a Car
Daniel Cooper, 24, has been convicted of indecent exposure after being caught on a surveillance camera stripping naked and humping a Land Rover 4x4. Apparently he had just met the car that night. Even more degrading to the Land Rover, he didn't bother to use Turtle Wax and instead simply proceeded to spray it with a cold hose. Perhaps Cooper was just drawing inspiration from 2006's "I Humped Your Hummer" meme.
It's also worth noting that Cooper prefers to go be the self-proclaimed moniker "Hotcock".
Other nicknames considered by Cooper:
The Automofeel Maxi Cooper Kelley Blue Balls Book Leadfuck Sweet Rider Sloppy Jalopy The Pile-Driver Tough Buff
The court imposed a curfew on Cooper as a result of his crime, banning the man from leaving his house weekends between 7:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m., when Land Rovers are most likely to be joyriding drunk around town.
See, I knew this is exactly what was going to happen with Obamacare. First everyone was going to be forced to get gay married, and now we're going to have to start having sex with our cars. It's already affecting people who don't live in the U.S.
Apparently it had been quite the evening for Cooper. Earlier, witnesses claim he was humping the counter at a Mediterranean restaurant before pulling his pants down and getting nasty with the shawarma shop's floor, which is some of the unsafest sex you can have. Cooper also urinated in the streets.
He later told officers that he rarely drinks. But when he does, he makes it count.